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18 June 2006 @ 09:16 pm
Fic: 'Amidst the Forgotten Stars.'  
Title: Amidst the Forgotten Stars.
Fandom: Star Wars
Rating: (G)
Time Period: Between tPM and AotC.
Summary: Obi-Wan and Padmé study the stars.

Author's Note: Best intentions were to enter the celebration challenge at obiwan_padme, especially when the deadline was extended. Unfortunately, the deadline was missed both times. I'd intended it to be longer, but didn't desire to press my luck and overwrite.

Disclaimer
All characters contained herein are the intellectual property of Lucas; I am not affiliated with nor endorsed by him.

_______________________


Stars and planets hang in the darkness. “Naboo, Padmé.”

Smiling, brown eyes catch the flickering light of the nearest planet. “It’s not as close to Tatooine as it once felt.”

“Tatooine’s closer to the Rishi Maze and Geonosis.” Each pointed out, in turn.

“Thank you, Obi-Wan.”

His gaze shifts to her, from Iridonia. A candle in her soft ivory gown, stars gather in her hair. She’s grown into the promise of her girlhood. His arms fold, hands lost in the earthen outer robe. He hopes she didn’t see his lapse. “It’s the least I can do, since you couldn’t visit Naboo.”

A last minute session of Senate keeps her on Coruscant. “The motion debated won’t last the entire Festival.” She hopes, for the last days, not to spend them in committee.

“Force willing.”

“Force willing,” she echoes quietly, wistful longing lilting the sentiment.

Despite best intentions, his hand reaches, tucking an escaped lock of hair behind her ear. His hand continues to slide into her hair, fingers tangling and the distance between them abruptly closes and her fingers grip his tunic. Her back to a wall forgotten in the dark, he presses against her as she tugs him to her, his beard rasping her skin. Eyes close, lips part and hungrily they partake amidst the forgotten stars.
 
 
 
rabbitmage: pic#44087770rabbitmage on June 18th, 2006 12:44 pm (UTC)
Yet another lovely fic-I expected nothing less. This one is short, but reading over it, I think it just came out as long as it needs to be. It's a moment, almost sad and tense. Then Obi reaches over for her, and the reader has a moment of "YES!" as th story ends on a very sweet note.

So, in my estimation, perfect.
F. J.: Three candlesmorethanacandle on June 18th, 2006 01:34 pm (UTC)
Thank you, for the kind words.

I'm glad that the length worked for you; I still have reservations on the length and the ending.
emiv: Ben's Abodeemiv on June 18th, 2006 05:27 pm (UTC)
Lovely fic! I don’t think I realized till now how much I’ve missed your Obidala!

At first, I wasn’t sure about the length, but as I think on it, I believe the length is quite perfect, actually. Any longer and I think you’d lose the sweet simplicity of the scene. In very few words, you successfully set a vivid scene.

“A candle in her soft ivory gown, stars gather in her hair.” That is such a beautiful line. I read it several times. The word choices are perfect!

Now I like to give constructive criticism, but I really had to reach to find anything here to pick at! The only line I had to pause on was “She’s grown into the promise of her girlhood.” While I understand your meaning, I think it could possibly be said a different way, to flow better with the piece as a whole. But really, I’m just grasping for something to critique—this is really an amazing bit of writing.

Overall, this is a lovely piece. It’s a peaceful moment between the two, which comfortably morphs into something more passionate, and yet still retains a certain kind of sweetness to it. The last line is my favorite, and ties everything up nicely. Wonderful job!
(Deleted comment)
F. J.: Three candlesmorethanacandle on June 18th, 2006 10:58 pm (UTC)
Once again, my dear, you have worked your way beautifully with words - this was such a sweet story.
Thank you, very much, for your kind words! I've been concerned about this 'fic, for many reasons, and I'm glad that it works for you! And that I've not seemed to lose my touch with Obidala 'fics.

Again, a wonderful, sweet piece - I adored it.
I'm very glad (and relieved) that you did. There's actually an accompanying piece to this that I've not posted yet, but will, later in the day.
F. J.: lantern & candlesmorethanacandle on June 18th, 2006 10:55 pm (UTC)
Lovely fic! I don’t think I realized till now how much I’ve missed your Obidala!
I don't think I realised until now how much I'd missed writing it.

At first, I wasn’t sure about the length, but as I think on it, I believe the length is quite perfect, actually. Any longer and I think you’d lose the sweet simplicity of the scene. In very few words, you successfully set a vivid scene.
Thank you! I was concerned (still am) about the length of the 'fic itself. It still seems too short, but I'm also relieved that yourself, and others, find the length suitable. There's still a part that nags at me which says, 'There should be more' as it feels slightly incomplete, somehow, but I can't actually put my finger on how.

You're right - any longer and you'd lose the simplicity of the moment, which I really didn't want to do.

“A candle in her soft ivory gown, stars gather in her hair.” That is such a beautiful line. I read it several times. The word choices are perfect!
Thank you! That was one of my favourite lines to write.

The only line I had to pause on was “She’s grown into the promise of her girlhood.” While I understand your meaning, I think it could possibly be said a different way, to flow better with the piece as a whole.
That line was slated to be rewritten or cut, entirely. I'd written and then rewritten that line at least twice. That someone else picked up on that line - even if reaching to find something in the way of concrit! - tells me that my instincts on that line was right.

But really, I’m just grasping for something to critique—this is really an amazing bit of writing.
The concrit, no matter if having to reaching for something to say, is always welcomed. I'm glad, however, that it was something you had to reach for. I was very nervous about posting this 'fic, in any form, after such a long uninspired period.

Overall, this is a lovely piece. It’s a peaceful moment between the two, which comfortably morphs into something more passionate, and yet still retains a certain kind of sweetness to it. The last line is my favorite, and ties everything up nicely. Wonderful job!
Thank you very much - I'm glad you liked it! I was very nervous about posting it, and I'm pleased that it's worked well for you.
Armchair DM: Igor: Joy! Joy! Joy! Joy!armchairdm on June 18th, 2006 10:54 pm (UTC)
Personally, I think it's beautiful. Of course, it leaves me wondering what happened next, but in this case, I think that only enhances it.

Of course, the fact that I can vividly see everything that's happening helps in this regard as well.
F. J.: lantern & candlesmorethanacandle on June 18th, 2006 11:01 pm (UTC)
Of course, it leaves me wondering what happened next, but in this case, I think that only enhances it.
It was a difficult decision to not write what came next.

Of course, the fact that I can vividly see everything that's happening helps in this regard as well.
I'm glad that you can visualise it - one of the aims in my 'fics has always been to help the person see what I've been imagining.
"MJ": Obidala #2londongirl27 on June 19th, 2006 11:37 pm (UTC)
Oh, wow . . . it's amazing how you managed to pack on so much meaning into a short piece of fic. As always, your detailed description of everything is beautiful. I think the fic ended quite well. It leaves you with a bit of curiousity at what happens next, but at the same time, it gives you the freedom to let your imagination wander and fill in the blanks. ;) Very nice. And yes, I really like the last words in your fic: " . . . amidst the forgotten stars." :) How romantic!
F. J.: Three candlesmorethanacandle on June 19th, 2006 11:49 pm (UTC)
Oh, wow . . . it's amazing how you managed to pack on so much meaning into a short piece of fic.
I have approximately nine or so years of practice at it, due to online roleplaying. You swiftly learn, when roleplaying in a chat environment, how to convey what you mean to the other person (what you'd like them to see of the character, the environment and their reactions to events around them). Until recently, I'd not thought to apply it to stories, since when I write fiction of any description, they tend to be longer.

I'm pleased that it's working well, 'fic wise!

It leaves you with a bit of curiousity at what happens next, but at the same time, it gives you the freedom to let your imagination wander and fill in the blanks. ;)
I'm still of the opinion that it seems very unfinished!

And yes, I really like the last words in your fic: " . . . amidst the forgotten stars." :) How romantic!
Thank you! Although, I hadn't seen it as romantic! (That could've been due to my nervousness about posting this, however.)
Mya Scarletmya_scarlet on June 20th, 2006 09:38 pm (UTC)
You know I love these moments that you write, and this one was no exception. As a short fic it's something I can read and indulge in several times. I've often imagined Obi-wan and Padme watching the stars together, it's romantic but even more poignant when one of them is home.
F. J.: lantern & candlesmorethanacandle on June 20th, 2006 09:57 pm (UTC)
I'm very glad it worked well for you, as a 'fic. I'm still very uncertain about it, as mentioned above.

I've often imagined Obi-wan and Padme watching the stars together, it's romantic but even more poignant when one of them is home.
So've I, which was why it was one of my ideas for the challenge.