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03 December 2016 @ 11:50 pm
Fic: ‘Tis the Season: Diatribe.  
Title: ‘Tis the Season: Diatribe.
Fandom: Hawaii Five-0
Rating: (G)
Time Period: After Luapoʻi and before Makaukau 'oe e Pa'ani?.
Summary: Not another diatribe ....

Author's Note: This is quick ‘n’ dirty (for definition see the F. A. Q.).

First, run your mouse over the episode names above to get their English counterparts. Second, I'm keeping the quick ‘n’ dirty disclaimer available on this story because I kept facepalming when I edited.

All characters contained herein are the intellectual property of Leonard Freeman + Peter M. Lenkov, Alex Kurtzman & Roberto Orci (their interpretations); I am not affiliated with nor endorsed by them.


“Can you pass me that please?”

A slight pause. “Is this coal?”

Silence reigns.

“This is coal, isn't it? Who the hell has coal in a place known for beautiful beaches and warm weather?”

“Do I even need to answer that?”

“No, you don't. Why? Because I don't need a diatribe about how this place does not meet your expectations and how, in some way, that was why you felt the need to bring coal here.”

“A diatribe.”

“Yes. A diatribe. What you do every day.”

“You call asking questions and stating my opinion 'a diatribe'?”


“I see.” A hand is outstretched. “What does it mean?”

“What does what mean?”

The hand rests on a hip. “Diatribe. What does it mean?”


“Excuse me?”


“And what does he have to do with this?”

“He's why you have coal.”

“He's … how?”

“He's why you have coal.”

“You've said that twice now. I want to know what he has to do with all this.”

“He's why you have coal. Chestnuts, open fire. The hoidays. You want him to experience it but I'm telling you he won't want it.”

“And why won't he want it?”

“What kid would want a fire when he grew up in a place with this all around him? What are you going to do: roast him alive in front of that fire? Coal, in a place like this, should be for drawing, not roasting kids alive.”

“And how much experience do you have with kids?”

“Joan. Grace ---”

“And which of those kids are yours?”

“Excuse me? Which of those is my kid?”

“You heard me.”


“This is ridiculous. Now we're back on that?”

“Yes. Diatribe.”

“You never told me what it meant.”

“Here's your coal.”
Armchair DM: Igor: A Rod Of Silencearmchairdm on December 4th, 2016 03:37 pm (UTC)
... he's got a point. Who wants to roast chestnuts in that weather? And what's it matter whether he's actually their father; he does function like an uncle!
F. J.: shalowater: golden candlesmorethanacandle on December 5th, 2016 02:35 am (UTC)
It seems to matter to Danny.