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07 June 2012 @ 04:10 am
Fic: ‘knowing his heart’  
Title: knowing his heart
Fandom: Star Wars
Rating: (PG)
Time Period: Between AotC & RotS.
Summary: He knows his heart.

Author's Note: This is quick ‘n’ dirty (for definition see the F. A. Q.).

In order:
when first they meet
goodbye, my friend
within the crowd
what he does
an argument he wins
knowing his heart
an unspoken apology

This leads into goodbye, which is probably a few months after this.

I’m gonna put a tissue warning, just in case.

All characters contained herein are the intellectual property of Lucas; I am not affiliated with nor endorsed by him.


Despite being an offshoot of a public office, this meeting room offers the most privacy on the planet: it’s checked for listening devices every day; recording devices are jammed.

It is also neutral.

“I cannot forget what I saw, what he feels.” His hands are lost within the sleeves of his outer robe. “I am with him every day, confronted by his feelings. He must know how I feel. We cannot hide from each other.”

Her lips press together as she stands, walking around the table. “He has been told what happened on Geonosis was a mistake that cannot happen again, that I was emotionally fraught.” Softly, her voice falls. She meets his eyes, brown holding blue; he has no escape from them. “I cannot lose you.”

He reaches under his robe and when his hand comes out, his lightsabre is in hand, between them. “I was never yours,” he states quietly. “This is who I am. You cannot take this away.”

“I did once.”

“You challenged me on who I would be were I not Jedi. I lost myself in you and when I saw Anakin kiss you, I knew fear and relief.” He lowers his hand. “Fear I had lost you and relief I had lost you.”

She arches an eyebrow.

“I was afraid Anakin held your heart. I was relieved because I truly knew mine at last, after all these years.

“It’s been torn in twain, Padmé,” the lightsabre is reattached. He doesn’t look away. “Am I Jedi or Obi-Wan Kenobi? Am I true to the oath I swore to the Jedi by loving you? Am I not worthy of your love? Would I be more worthy had I not known the Jedi Order, or if I had?

“I love you but I am Jedi. It is time I returned.”

Tears fall, sliding down her cheeks unheeded. She bites her bottom lip.

And nods.

“I could not ask you to not be who you are.” She folds her hands, fingers entwined. “You are more than Jedi, Obi-Wan Kenobi.” She reaches up, wipes her cheek. “Let me finish,” she entreats. “You are my friend, my lover. You are honourable. You are more than Jedi,” she repeats.

“You are a good man.”


“Don’t,” she shakes her head. “Don’t.”

He steps back, closer to the door. She looks down, both hands now on the table. When she looks up, finally, he is gone.

She sits in the chair behind her, tears beginning anew.
Mindyarliddian on June 7th, 2012 12:37 am (UTC)
Oh, so sad. And very realistic; this is exactly the kind of ending to their possible relationship that I imagined. Really lovely and bittersweet.
F. J.: Lantern & Candles: Warmmorethanacandle on June 7th, 2012 10:15 am (UTC)
Thank you. I really didn't like writing it after having written the parts before this but knew it must come.
Armchair DM: Igor: A Rod Of Silencearmchairdm on June 7th, 2012 02:26 pm (UTC)
So sad. Also this marvellous mix you do time and time again; of Obidala and Canon.
F. J.: Lanterns: Warmmorethanacandle on June 7th, 2012 03:14 pm (UTC)
There's a mix?
Armchair DM: Igor: A Rod Of Silencearmchairdm on June 8th, 2012 05:29 pm (UTC)
Yes; there's a mix. She kissed Anakin; you could easily read from here, is how it goes into the relationship she has with Anakin that goes from Attack of the Clones through to Revenge of the Sith.

And would also very handily explain his seeming jealousy of Obi-Wan in Revenge of the Sith.

I am not a fan of non-canon relationships; but you make it work. In a lot of your stories; there is nothing precluding what actually happens in canon; and this one is no exception.
F. J.: Lanterns: Warmmorethanacandle on June 8th, 2012 06:23 pm (UTC)
Thank you.
emiv: btvs | rhyming spikeemiv on June 8th, 2012 01:29 am (UTC)
I have to agree with armchairdm here; a brilliant weaving of canon and Obidala. Yes, whether intentional or not, there is a mix of the two here. :) You could have played it safe and ignored the Anakin/Padme dynamic all together (as so many Obidala stories seem to do) but here you've incorporated it, made it an essential element without it seeming forced. This Padme clearly love Obi-Wan, but also kissed Anakin, and that was real and has consequences. Obi-Wan's reservations due to Akakin feelings feel very on point as well; not only are they constantly in each other's company and, as Jedi, in tuned to each others feelings, but it is often forgotten that Obi-Wan loves that kid like brother. Not only that, but Anakin's existence plays into his very role as a Jedi, which, in turn, is diametrically opposed to him as a man in love with Padme.

Apparently, this gave me lots of feelings, and oddly enough, none of them were over-the-top sad ones. I think it is because this felt right, fitting. Sad but almost inevitable. How it had to be.
F. J.: Golden Candlesmorethanacandle on June 8th, 2012 02:32 am (UTC)
Apparently, this gave me lots of feelings,
I was very glad it did and to have the chance to read them. And it doesn’t sound as though the tissue warning was needed.

Sad but almost inevitable. How it had to be.
Alas, you knew it was coming.

Thank you.